Doing it anyway!
Ever felt like you were nothing? That your existence didn’t matter.. That you are such a small non influential creature on this earth? This is my current state.
I understand that feelings- especially intense ones- do not represent the reality.. and that our mind might exaggerate and gravatise small events to make them sound like this is just who we are and this is the reality of things… And I have to admit that this is exactly how it feels right now. A certain heavy feeling in my chest.. not sure if it’s loneliness, nostalgia, or just void.
When something new happens, I get excited for a short time then I’m back to feelings empty again. Sometimes I hear a distant voice in my head telling me that my value and self-worth is determined by whether I’m desired and pursued by the opposite gender, how many friends I have, how busy my phone is, or how many likes and comments I get on a hot photo I posted.
On a conscious level, I do know that none of these things is sustainable. Me getting attention does not mean that it’s the right attention, my phone crazy ringing and going out every weekend does not mean I have meaningful solid friendships. Ironically, it might be quite the opposite. I’m making turtle speed moves to learn how to fill up my own cup, to not directly link the fail of a relationship to my worth and value as a woman, to understand that sometimes things just don’t workout and that’s totally okay.
To believe that I am inherently good and deserving of all the good things in the world. To believe that my mistakes do not subtract from my innate value. That I could be feeling inadequate, not ready, less than, but still allow good things, good feelings and good people into my life. I do not have to be all perfect and on top of my game to be deserving.. Quite the opposite actually.. vulnerability and showing the not too pretty sides of us makes us become even more beautiful and genuine needless to say more relatable and who knows, maybe inspire somebody to be more connected to their true self.
Today, I wrote this small article without having any plan in mind about how I wanted it to end.. but I wrote it anyway! And this is exactly how I want my life to be.. flawd, imperfect, but I want to live it to the fullest anyway!
P.S: Dear Medium family, I’m an amateur writer, so any tips on where to improve would go along way. Follow me to know the progress ;)
